Now just to throw you a bit and it will all make sense later (i hope) I am going to get onto my 2nd favourite topic today and one i KNOW is close to many a heart!!! WEIGHT!! and it holds hands with smoking really well. They are in many cases best mates and feed of each other.
Yep, dirty, dirty, dirty word!! but its there and its certainly is THERE!! Most of us at some stage in our life have a tough relationship with weight. Very few people (who most of us want to kill) do not ever have a problem. Now I am talking under and over weight here because it can be just as distressing to be exceptionally skinny no matter what you do and want to have a few more curves.The point being, if we are fat, thin, skinny, obese, black, white,blue, red, orange, muslim, christian, jewish, buddist, man, transexual, female or whatever, weight is for many of us like a black dog. For those who do not know, a black dog is another word for depression and I do not use this lightly or unknowingly.
Where was i? Food, yep, sad thing is I love it. Yummy, yummy, yum and some more triple yum and a big fat bum:). I love it, i hate it, it taunts me, it has this hold on me but the joy i get from the cooking at times is orgasmic…well ok, slight overkill, but you get the drift. The difficulty is though, I like to be small. So what to do, what to do? As you will come to see, i cook/bake like a cooking bitch, have to say I am bloody good at it BUT i was a chef many moons ago so that helps but my true passion is BREAD.
Love it, white, wheat, brioche, challah, raisin, banana, sourdough- Yep all come to Mumma. I like things that are hard to make, maybe actually in hindsight, its more yeasty products i like as I do make pastries with yeast and the like as well………..Anyway you get the drift. Sicilian breads stuffed with meat, spices and cheese, Toscana bread with grapes, the sweet and savoury buns from Florence, Rosemary and Potato buns from Lucca. Don’t even let me start with French breads………SIGH!!!……………………This PEOPLE, is the Chanel of food!! The Dolce & Gabbana of taste. This is why we get up in the morning. Yum………..Sorry not Versace, too flashy and trashy and bread is not that.
Now I am getting carried away and drifting off………..
I have to say right out, i am small, I am an US 2-4 BUT before you start ranting ‘bitch, bitch, bitch, what does she know???? Weight regardless of how much you want to lose or gain makes you depressed and rules your life unless you are happy with where you are. I see women in the street and I think, “why aren’t I that size?” and god help them if they are eating crap food!! That’s like hypoventilation time for me!! Am I an effortless small person? No, I am not. BUT and this is a big BUT I am very careful because I come from a long line of ladies (aunties, grandmas etc) that have HUGE breasts, very short and are quite err robust ladies.My mother is about 4.”10, if that and weighs about (sorry,we work in kilo’s) 100 kilos. Now I don’t look at her and feel disgust but I know she feels that herself . Luckily for me, my fathers sisters were all short, thin, lanky and no busts!! So that is me, not lanky, but breastless and short 🙂
Now does this sound familar? In the morning, i get up and unless, i am violently ill or GOD FORBID, the batteries are on the blink, i will weigh myself!! How my day goes depends on what I weigh. My bolshy side thinks this is just crap and I know it is just irrational and I know this is the most stupidiest thing but it DOESN’T MATTER. Who is nodding their heads? So you know….
So for example this morning, I weighed say 56kgs………….that is ok, not great but ok. I just need to say here my ideal in my head would be 53 or some stupid figure I pull out of god knows where but that is never ever going to happen yet I still hanker away at it, like I used to drool over Simon le Bon when I was a teenager. Anything in the range of say up to 56.9 would be ok but if i was 57, well that would be ABSOLUTE CRAP, THE DAY WOULD BE SHIT AND GOD BLOODY HATES ME!! Remember we are talking 100 grams here- a piece of bread maybe?? and that determines the day.Granted usually by 10, i am very busy and i have put it to the back of my head but it would have determined what i wore that day, my makeup, what i read , lunch, maybe even dinner. If i didn’t win lotto, well that would be because I weighed too much and the list goes on… YET WE ARE TALKING ABOUT 100grams. But what is worse, last week or another day 57 or that range may have been ok but today it is not. It is just insane. And we are all rational people here, yet does these actions speak of rationality? or of self love? NOPE. Yet we all do this to some degree or much much worse.
The thing I have learnt with weight and food, is at the end of the day, it really is food in versus food out. SIMPLE. That’s why I like Michelle Bridges (Australia Biggest Loser trainer) as she tells you like it is and in my rational part of my brain, i know this but as we all know in that bloody weight bit of my brain, nah, nothing gets through. This train of thought is very much like the smoking mentality that you lie to yourself and do not admit there is addiction or difficulties there.
Do I eat that food i make above? Course i do!!
BUT i exercise and cut back on other things, that folks is the sad story, you can not have your LARGE cake and eat it too-unless you like running for bloody miles or you can easily bat away that guilt that then taunts you.
So the moral of todays tale? there isn’t one- I just wanted to rant about weight but I will ( i promise) link it up with the smoking………….just not today:)
Have a good one!!