Grrr- Bugger off Black Dog!!

Do you think that giving up smoking makes you depressed? You know i am sure, mentally, I was healthier when I smoked. Or has giving up smoking unhinged me?

Bugger off!!

Or was I always unhinged?

When I stopped smoking, I really felt like I had lost my best mate and many many people say this and it is well documented. When you think about it logically, it is something that may have been with you 5, 10, 15 or 50 years and then the next day its gone!! Yet there is reminders of your ‘bestie’ everywhere. To add to this torture, you then have to see your ‘bestie’ with others and you know in your heart of hearts that your ‘bestie’ is not really your bestie’ but your ‘worstie’ but its like a HUGE hole in your life.Constantly in your head initially is the mental battle that tells you logically that the smokes are no good but then you have the other voice (your bestie’s) telling you one won’t hurt, go on matey, have a puff!! Exquisite torture!!

loVE THIS ONE!!

I will say that I had anxiety issues before I stopped smoking and I thought for a long time that smoking helped me but it actually didn’t. It used to induce my panic attacks in some way. The final thing that broke the straw for me on stopping smoking was this huge panic attack I had in the middle of the night and although I know (and knew then) how to deal with them, this one was so frightening and was the result of weeks of umming and arghing about stopping smoking and worrying I was going to die from cancer. So I had to take the bull by the horns and stop.

Yep, can feel you mate!!

Now however I find that have bouts of depression where the black dog just will not bugger off! I feel sometimes he is sitting round the corner with my ‘bestie’ in his paws………Waiting for me to give in and smoke. Some days that is what it is………..A HUGE battle, to not be negative, not to listen to ugly thoughts, to not smoke , to be in control………….This is why I say that smoking is great mates with a great deal of things,  anxiety, depression, anger, booze, drugs, weight and the list is endless.

I think that in return for having the strength to stop smoking, then the universe will grant me some karma in another area:) But no, we all know it doesn’t work like this 🙂 I do know though for me to smoke would be more dangerous mentally than not too as the sense of disappointment and shame in myself that I KNOW I would feel, help me not to smoke.

So we do the old “chin up” like our British ancestors did, well mine anyhow, you know,  Stiff upper lip and all and solider on!! Tomorrow will be better………My biggest fear is I will need to take pills and then I won’t be me anymore. So I still keep running, eating well and reading about the Bloody black dog and the connection with smoking!!

I would be interested to hear other people’s stories on how they coped with losing their ‘smokes’. Did you feel depressed, sad, mad, angry? I felt all of these and I must admit I still get angry when I think of smoking at times!! Angry I can’t smoke or angry that it’s still to this day has that teeny hold on me!! As I often say, get behind thee, devil sticks!!

So if anyone else is having a shit of the time at the moment with smokes or that BLOODY black dog, I feel for you But you have to know (and god it is hard to see at times) but there is light at the end of the tunnel………..I think today my tunnel has hit a curve 🙂

But yesterday I got 2 double yolkers in my baking so that’s got to be good 🙂

See, lucky!!

I just forgot that when the black dog was really heavy on my shoulders all afternoon……..He seems to have buggered off now for a bit!!

So have a GREAT SMOKE FREE DAY AND STAY STRONG!!

It’s a shit of a road at times the non smoking road BUT well worth it!!

Have a wee look at my bread baking site, it always cheers me up!!

especially when  I eat it 🙂  www.greedybread.wordpress.com

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