The Eternal Fight…a long long long long road….

You know, It really feels like that at times. Lets kick September off by pondering this…….

You know that I am not trying to discourage you at all, but more being honest.

Almost 5 years for me and still at times I want to smoke and in that split second, that craving is so intense. It goes but does it come to remind me I am not infallible?

This is what I want to know….In the last 5 years, I have had smokes on two occassions…..just 1-2 each time but does that then make me a smoker again?

Is smoking like all addictions where you are that for life? Like an alcoholic and you are always an alcoholic? Recovering yes, but still an alcoholic.

So what I pose to you is this… Am I a smoker or a recovering smoker or an ex smoker or a non smoker? I like to think I am a non smoker, as on both occasions, when I have smoked, I have not smoked again, I didn’t wake up wanting smokes , I just went back to my normal non smoking days………….BUT the worst thing is and was the GUILT, I felt so bad the next day, not during the cigarette, as I was drinking (hence why I rarely drink either now as you know, best mates, smokes and drinks).

my downfall………….

I think the naive part of me thinks I should be rewarded somewhere along the line for not smoking. Yes, I know I am rewarded daily but not hacking, not smelling of fags, not scrounging for money and all the rest of it BUT why, why, why, why can the great fight not get easier? Why can’t all memories of cigarettes be erased from my mind?I especially think I deserve this peace at times as my husband smokes so I have temptation in my face daily but i don’t give in….

Does this make me a closet smoker? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! That would be the worst!!Or have I become the person that can have 1 cigarette now and then and carry on without them? Or am I just being a drama queen………??

I will leave you to ponder all this….

I know, it will be with me always, that is part of being an addict.

Something nice to cheer you up!! and me too:)


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