I run to get away from the black dog BUT what do you do when you run and the black dog follows?
Sometimes when I run, I feel that horrible gloom feeling or that sick feeling…
It passes but it is like, “My god, just go, in one aspect of my life, just let me be free.”
But depression and mental illness doesn’t work like that..
It is like a virus, it infects EVERY aspect of your life…
Do you know what I mean?
Sometimes when I do things, (like at the gym, job interviews, supermarkets, lines)and I feel I can not leave effortlessly, I feel panicky.
That is how I felt at the gym today…Or worse, that I would cry there!! Argh…
I used to exercise so hard to make myself get that breathless almost panicky feeling so when I would have a panic attack, I was used of it…
desensitization, they call it…Bloody insane, I call it…
When I get into this depressive funk, I sometimes feel out of control, not manic, but I almost can’t control what I will say.
I think ridiculous things, well they aren’t to me at the time and they have a grain of truth in them but then, me in that frame of mind, takes what isn’t great but makes it into a huge calamity.
For example: My mother in law will say something that makes me feel inadequate (this is normal for many people!!), usually it is how great and fabulous my husbands brothers girlfriend is….
or how fun she is and how she knows the best shops and “oh, we have a fabulous time together” etc and I think “Well when she has 3 children like me, then we will see how fucking fun she is”!!
I am too tired for fricking fun!!
Which makes me think, “What am I, fucking chopped liver?”
I think she is saying I am not good enough for her son (regardless that I have given him 3 sons, have a postgraduate degree, cook like a bloody dream, keep my self fit etc , ok, can’t sew, iron or really knit )
and my husband should get a wife like his brothers girlfriend as she is perfect.
Then that line of thinking escalates into my husband will listen to what his mother says and leave me so I better make plans to leave him so at least I salvage my pride.
Then I get angry with my husband as he doesn’t understand or he says “don’t listen to her” and then I end up getting angrier and then I feel ill and think he is now getting angry with me and if he gets angry, he will then leave me, so then I feel I need to back down but then I get think ” no why should I?” and then I start crying at the helplessness of it all and by then I am tired with all these bloody crazy things in my head.
In all this, my poor husband is thinking “what the hell is going on and why would I leave you?”
They say you get into a depressive train of thought and you can’t get out of it which is true when you are in it.
I know anything people say to me, I always have a but or a negative to say about that they said…
At that time, I am incapable of seeing the good.
No, I amend that, I do see the good but I still see the what if, which negates the positive.
Running though helps, no matter what all the latest studies say…
As you know I was saying the other day on here,that exercise doesn’t help depression is a load of old tosh….
So did 25 minutes running, 25 minutes elliptical machine, 9 minutes (yes, i know, not ten) on the rowing machine…
Tomorrow Super Saturday, Mark 2 !!
Bring on the burpees!!