Sometimes…..

Just Fuck off!!

Just Fuck off!!

If you feel down today, tune out now as this will depress you more:)

I feel I will never outrun the black dog…

The last few weeks I have been feeling pretty blah, blah and Meh!!

Not all the time BUT a lot!!

Luckily I have never had the pleasure of constant chronic depression, mine is more episodic and moderate,

a few days maybe, a few hours maybe then it passes….like a black cloud I suppose.

I am grateful for this, grateful that although I want to stay in bed, I can get up, I can make myself go to work because I know what will happen if I don’t.

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Lately I have been depressed a few days, then it seems to pass and I think “yay” but it is tricking me and it is here again…

I run, run and run but lately it’s not enough…

This overwhelming sadness, this cold to the bone chill, and I know it sounds wanky

but you can almost feel the blackness, gloom , the ugliness settle on you like a fine mist and it creeps itself round you like tendrils….

I get myself into a cycle of ugly thoughts that I find it hard to break….Its like a catch 22.

What am I sad for?

What do I cry for?

Who knows…

Everything.

meh

People say think of nice things…I do, I do, I FUCKING DO!!!

I have my Bliss list and a happy list

BUT the thing is when you feel depressed its like you know the good things are there but they are behind a brick wall…there but out of reach!!

Like I say, I am grateful to have life and I see some light when other see only blackness.

I promised my friend who died of cancer that I would live my life to the best I could, not for her but because that is what she would want.

I wish she was here so I could tell her, she understood.

I wish I could go sit on my gran’s knee again and it would all be good and she would solve things for me but I know she can’t 🙂

I wish my Tonto boy was here ….il mio cuore piange per sempre per te…

598379_398392790196180_70134350_n

My husband says ask him for help…

But what he doesn’t realise is I can’t…

If I ask him for help, I feel it makes me look weaker, makes things ugly, he will think “oh, I need a wife that fun and fabulous, not a constantly crying nut job”

Then he will leave me and what the fuck do I do then? Feel more depressed?

He says he won’t do that but when I am depressed,

I feel he will, no matter what he says so I am stuck because I can’t ask for help because I feel it will make it worse.

He says I need to trust him but I can’t  as I feel if I do, he will leave me if he could see the blackness in me, he would want someone fabulous like his brothers girlfriend…

No matter that we have been married 16 years, I think he would like a fun and fabulous model that isn’t used and mental.

model wife

I think about run, run, running away too but know in the rational side of my brain that this action won’t solve it.

I feel if I go live alone, it will be ok….But will it?

Can I live with the what if?  the constant restlessness and wondering???

I have many good things, family, cats, kids, books, food, figs and I know this but sometimes its like it doesn’t exist.

I read a blog the other day , Reluctant Mom, and she describes things so well..I always feel cheesy.

That creeping sensation that things are not quite as they should be.

The whispers of self-doubt.

The gnawing sensation that everyone is plotting against me.

The hiss that people are talking about me.  Incessantly.  Always in the negative.

The worry that I am doing something wrong.  Everything wrong.  About to be “caught out” for doing something wrong I have not even done.  At all.  Ever.

The sounds of whispers and innuendos and recrimination.

Small sounds reverberate in my eardrums as echos.  My children’s chewing that sounds like the brass frkn band going off tune next to me.

The mental arguing and cross-questioning and “should I” or “what if…” and “maybe you need to go and fix that….”

Unfortunately it has all started again.  It was so lovely when it was gone.  It was so lovely”.

black dog 5

People ask  if I am happy….What do I look like a miserable bitch?

You just want to slap them…

I don’t hide it but it’s not exactly a conversation starter.

Oh well tomorrow is another day:)

I will leave you today with my favourite cat photos!!

They always make me smile:)

lollies 2

 I am dragging my sorry carcass up to the Candyman (big lolly shop with foreign sweets) with my naughty boys.

The boys know I have been down so they will come with me…a rare walk together:)

Sort of blackmail:)

But the promise of lollies and ice cream is a great inducer!!

There is some good in it after all:)

lots of black dogs

This is my ULTIMATE favourite!!

This is my ULTIMATE favourite!!

Sorta friends...Ginger one not so keen:)

Sorta friends…Ginger one not so keen:)

2013 miles/kms Challenge:

April Month Total : 

Running : 18.4 kms/ 11.5 miles

Cycling:

Rowing :

Weights:

Hiking :

Plyomterics:

Hours : 1.45 mins

Monthly Distance: 18.4 kms / 11.5 miles

RUN TONTO RUN!!

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2 thoughts on “Sometimes…..

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