Get off me!!
Just feel blah.
Went for run yesterday, did weights and some cycling today.
Still just blah…..
Need to do a hard out run but can’t risk overtaxing it.
I run because I like to run, I am addicted too I think but I also run because it helps keep my depression at bay.
All exercise helps but nothing like running.
Even when I have done hard out boxing classes, it’s not the same.
When I can’t run, I take extra care because I know how the spiral starts.
Plus its bad enough when you can’t run without other things doing your head in!
Sometimes with depression, its like you can’t breathe, you can but that’s what it is like.
Or this all permeating sadness that seems to seep through your pores.
This heartbreaking sadness, that just stays there, its like being in the bath too long…
The sadness creates this energy sapping lethargic behaviour (yes I still run) where you can only do so much as it’s just too hard.
Going to work is my lot for those days, that takes all my effort to do that and then there is nothing left for anything else.
Or you drive yourself mad with ‘what if” thoughts.
Someone can say something that is harmless but you don’t take it that way if you are in a spiral.
So an innocent “Oh aren’t you running today” turns into …..
” my husband is sleeping with other people, my best friend hates me and I will probably get fired from my job“
My instinct is to run, literally and figuratively.
I think if I move overseas, that will end the depression.
How could I be depressed in Italy ):
That is how you think, it’s not rational.
If only it was that easy!!
One day I worry I will really just get up and get on a plane.
You know realistically that is not the case but in a spiral, the safe idea is what you go to.
I am lucky, no matter how bad, I can always see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I can make myself see reason eventually.
Some people can’t.
For me, I am the only one who can help myself, I have to get myself out of the funk.
That’s why I run, bake bread and look after my cats …
It’s hard for the ugliness and sadness to take hold when you have a furry friend to hug or a wonderful bread to eat:)
Or legs that run…well my bloody legs ain’t helping there…
Tomorrow I know will be a better day.
I won’t listen to the ugly thoughts or the silly paranoid things.
I will run, a little one later in the day but I will go to the gym at 6am and row from here to hell!!
RUN TONTO RUN.
1 bush walk/ trek
1 x split 5km & 4 km.
1 x 7km run
1 x weights session
1 x 20 minutes cycling
2 x yoga sun salutes.