Or should that be….”the road is long”….
I seem to be talking in song phrases of late….
And what is that line in “The Godfather?”
“Just when you thought you were out……..”
“They pull you back in….”
Just when I think the depression is gone for good, tricky bastard sneaks up on you & it kicks me in the teeth again.
Lulls you into a false sense of security….
You hit a hump , you drop into a ditch, you get out & you think, “That’s it, thats it”…
But it never is.
It never goes away, this is what people don’t get.
It can lie dormant for ages and then out of the blue….HERE WE FUCKING GO AGAIN.
I sort of know now when it will come….
Like the madness descends…..
This is not a pity party or a cry for help…
Its a WILL YOU JUST FUCK OFF …..
I get real snappy, almost like I know I am going to lose the plot so I need everything else to be controlled.
Real picky and people REALLY annoy me easily.
Can’t read as much as my concentration is all over the show.
In my mind, I feel I can’t control the depression to a large degree but I can control how tidy and clean things are.
Extra clean and tidy, I laugh now as I think like being tidy will help…
Someone wise once told me, it helps you to feel some area of your life is in control.
Messy mind ,messy thoughts but clean house and clothes.
My only real fear is that it will be worse than last time.
The bleakness is terrible, you see sun but you don’t feel it.
It is like seeing things that you know evoke this emotion but you feel nothing.
You have nothing to give another at this time because all you have emotionally & physically, you need just to make it through the day.
Although the desire just to stay in bed is strong, I get up.
Some people don’t, they can’t, so I am grateful for that.
I get up, so to work and carry on but you wonder…
You see joy but you can’t feel it.
Its sort of like botox on your emotions….
I see something I know makes me happy and I think happy item ahead in my mind and I know I should and would normally laugh but I can’t.
Well I explained that really well:)
Over time you learn techniques and things that work for you to help.
It helps to say, ‘I feel like shit”.
It helps to run.
It helps to pat cats and eat chocolate:)
I thought Tequila helped but noooooooooooo.
The ugly talk and shite that runs through your head.
Zero to a million in 2 seconds, major paranoia.
On the positive side…I MAY NOT FEEL IT, BUT I SAY IT!!
I am now on week four of C 25 K Michelle’s version.
I started Skate everyday September so have that happening too.
Working on my skatey moves!!
Week 3 of Kayla Itsines started.
It will pass…..
RUN TONTO RUN!!