I’ve lost that loving feeling….

black dog 3

Feeling meh…

Winter blues?

Working blues?

Husband going on holiday and me staying home blues?

new black dog

Nah…. just the reemergence of an old ‘friend”…

Every now and then that motherfucker above will make a reappearance.

Him and me, we are old acquaintances…

Go back years.

Sometimes he visits for a few days, sometimes longer.

Most of the time now its only a few days of that horrible emptiness , bleakness , incredible tiredness and desolation(which winter does not help!!) then a few days of just feeling negative, negative and negative self-pity (hate this, hate that, everything is a bastard, everyone against me, everything is shit, ungratefulness, and then a week or so where it can go either way ..worse or better…but mostly better now.

Each time, there is that split second of desperation in your head that it will be terrible, that you can not do this again if it is really bad.

What makes it go one way and not the other?

Time, cats, cats and cats, experience, food, exercise, people, self-care, medicine, natural healing, tranquilizer guns (kidding) ?

Different for everyone.

For me, EXERCISE, EXERCISE AND MORE EXERCISE, good food, cats, cats and cats, relaxing when needed, but also keeping busy at times to divert yourself, doing things that normally bring you joy, small things, avoiding things that stress me, sleeping well and if getting bad then off to the therapist for a chat if my own self talk is not turning off the ugly shit in my head.

I am lucky as I don’t think suicidal things but I think utter negative rubbish and when i feel better and think back to what I think ( I know at the time it is utter shite) at the time and its like “for fucks sake where does that come from?”

Seriously, I can turn my husband forgetting the milk, into a full-scale days of our life drama where I will need to run away and start a new life, then I get more upset as I worry about my cats (not my sons), and I can’t get a visa, I don’t have a job, how am I going to get there, I hate work, in fact i hate everything, my life is shit, I am a 45-year-old loser, those people are bastards and out to get me, why don’t I live in a palazzo, why is my mother a nutter, I am a lazy pig and so on and so forth… Understand?

No, me neither…This is on a weird out loop in my head.

The good thing now is I can see now, after many years, how you twist things in your head and how dangerous this spiral loop of negative thoughts are because even though you know at your core its rubbish, you still carry on thinking it and making the spiral worse.

It is hard for people around you , especially as you feel negative and angry. Nothing is good and that is hard to live with for others who it is difficult to fathom why you think that why, sometimes for no apparent reason. You push people away, but its the last thing you really want.

Yep, not easy.

here we go again

I really find that I need to exercise 1-2 times a day during this time.

Not long periods, but to divert my mind at times and just to feel better from the exercise rush.

A few days this week, I did 20 minutes sun salutes in the morning, went to work, then did 15 minutes of plyometrics and then 30 minutes of running.

Even just sun salutes in the morning and then 30 minutes of plyometrics at night.

Just something.

I am feeling better again now after a crappy week or so but it really made me think and realize, once again, how important exercise is to my well-being and self-care.

I had 2-3  days where I just could not exercise as I had 2 long days at work and my choice when I got home late at night was eat or exercise? Running at 11pm was out as was exercising in the house at that time with my son asleep.

After not eating all day, it was food!

However after a day or so, I felt more shit than I already did, so I had to alter a few things so I could still do my exercise when I work long days. I had to do it and cut the negative bullshit in my head about it was so hard and so unfair.

Once I had, It went away.

I had to get up a bit earlier, do 20 minutes before work and then straight after getting home and feeding the cats, another 30 minutes or more if time,  then I felt way better.

I had to work it so I do more on the days I finish at 6  and my days off and then a morning slot only when I work till 11 Pm.

new bd

I am really pleased with my exercise regularity since I restarted in April.

I am on week 8, day 2 of the c25k and have done a few runs without it.

I am not going to yoga yet but am doing 20 minutes of sun salutes daily.

I have signed up for a June challenge of 15 minutes daily with Betty Rocker.

I cancelled my gym membership as I was not using it and I haven’t for ages.

I have proved in the last 2 months that I can do things at home which for me, works better.

I am more likely to do it.

I need to go to the Physio now to get some hamstring stretch routines as hammies are killing me.

Feeling a bit crippled after a run but all good apart from that.

Starting to see definition again in my meat hooks and in my legs.

Yippee.

So lost the loving feeling for a bit but still exercising and feeling good about that.

It’s enough for now 🙂

Plus thoughts of Easter Island for a holiday later in the year is helping!!

ashtanga 2

RUN TONTO RUN.

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4 thoughts on “I’ve lost that loving feeling….

  1. hey, I did W6D3 today of C25k. I find the discipline and routine of C25K helps keep my bloos away… I so hear you )))hugs((( that ‘black dog’ IS A bastard!
    Happy hols and keep doing what you’re doing… it sounds like you got this! xxx

    • Good on you. Yes I like having a program to do, it helps keep me motivated too.
      Once I get back into my running groove, i will just run to how I feel but for now, C25k and c210k is great. Happy hols to you too, are you summer holidays?

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