Could really go a RUN now…





No running for who knows how many days now…. Continue reading


Grrr- Bugger off Black Dog!!

Do you think that giving up smoking makes you depressed? You know i am sure, mentally, I was healthier when I smoked. Or has giving up smoking unhinged me?

Bugger off!!

Or was I always unhinged?

When I stopped smoking, I really felt like I had lost my best mate and many many people say this and it is well documented. When you think about it logically, it is something that may have been with you 5, 10, 15 or 50 years and then the next day its gone!! Yet there is reminders of your ‘bestie’ everywhere. To add to this torture, you then have to see your ‘bestie’ with others and you know in your heart of hearts that your ‘bestie’ is not really your bestie’ but your ‘worstie’ but its like a HUGE hole in your life.Constantly in your head initially is the mental battle that tells you logically that the smokes are no good but then you have the other voice (your bestie’s) telling you one won’t hurt, go on matey, have a puff!! Exquisite torture!!


I will say that I had anxiety issues before I stopped smoking and I thought for a long time that smoking helped me but it actually didn’t. It used to induce my panic attacks in some way. The final thing that broke the straw for me on stopping smoking was this huge panic attack I had in the middle of the night and although I know (and knew then) how to deal with them, this one was so frightening and was the result of weeks of umming and arghing about stopping smoking and worrying I was going to die from cancer. So I had to take the bull by the horns and stop.

Yep, can feel you mate!!

Now however I find that have bouts of depression where the black dog just will not bugger off! I feel sometimes he is sitting round the corner with my ‘bestie’ in his paws………Waiting for me to give in and smoke. Some days that is what it is………..A HUGE battle, to not be negative, not to listen to ugly thoughts, to not smoke , to be in control………….This is why I say that smoking is great mates with a great deal of things,  anxiety, depression, anger, booze, drugs, weight and the list is endless.

I think that in return for having the strength to stop smoking, then the universe will grant me some karma in another area:) But no, we all know it doesn’t work like this 🙂 I do know though for me to smoke would be more dangerous mentally than not too as the sense of disappointment and shame in myself that I KNOW I would feel, help me not to smoke.

So we do the old “chin up” like our British ancestors did, well mine anyhow, you know,  Stiff upper lip and all and solider on!! Tomorrow will be better………My biggest fear is I will need to take pills and then I won’t be me anymore. So I still keep running, eating well and reading about the Bloody black dog and the connection with smoking!!

I would be interested to hear other people’s stories on how they coped with losing their ‘smokes’. Did you feel depressed, sad, mad, angry? I felt all of these and I must admit I still get angry when I think of smoking at times!! Angry I can’t smoke or angry that it’s still to this day has that teeny hold on me!! As I often say, get behind thee, devil sticks!!

So if anyone else is having a shit of the time at the moment with smokes or that BLOODY black dog, I feel for you But you have to know (and god it is hard to see at times) but there is light at the end of the tunnel………..I think today my tunnel has hit a curve 🙂

But yesterday I got 2 double yolkers in my baking so that’s got to be good 🙂

See, lucky!!

I just forgot that when the black dog was really heavy on my shoulders all afternoon……..He seems to have buggered off now for a bit!!


It’s a shit of a road at times the non smoking road BUT well worth it!!

Have a wee look at my bread baking site, it always cheers me up!!

especially when  I eat it 🙂

Grrrrrr, Do You Wonder ?

Why people go into their place of employment and shoot people?or go mad?

Pure frustration, I would say and dealings with idiot morons.

I am not saying we need to go quite to that extreme but dealing with morons all day is exceptionally taxing!!

No wonder people want to drink, smoke and all those things!!

Let me tell you about my temporary job. I noticed the other day that on my timesheet everyday i was listed as being 5-10 minutes late every day, yet i was there 1-2 minutes before hand. Apparently I am supposed to be logged in and ready to work at the stroke of the starting hour. Now that is fine but what is not fine, is they expect me to come in early , 5-10 minutes UNPAID and sign in so i can start straight away on the hour!! Then when you finish , you need to finish 2 minutes past the hour, once again unpaid. It is like HELLO???? that is not going to be happening.

Normally when you work in places, there is give and take and you don’t mind complying with above as other good factors weigh it out BUT believe me, no give and take here at all so there will be no giving by me, I am afraid 🙂

To get another job in the organisation (and they actively try to recruit within and then wonder why there are vacancies?? ) you need to have a recommendation from the manager where you are.  So for example, in my case, I take a job as I need the $$$ but the job is shite, the money is shite, the workers are good but the management are shitey assholes. For me to get out of the shitey job into one where I maybe able to use some of my skills rather than the extravagant 2 % I use now,I need a recommendation from my manager. Until I work to a standard my current manager thinks is good, no recommendation for another job. Another job that bears no relation to the crappy one, one that allows me to use my prior experience, hello???  Duhhhhhhhhh? Plus how you do in one job (especially if you hate it) bears no relation to how you will in another job in a TOTALLY different field!! GRRRRRRRRR. And as he informed me,  he couldn’t consider recommending me at the moment as he is short-staffed!! Like that is my fault or problem!! So you need to stay in the said arsey job because the company sucks and can’t hold staff but its in no way is that the company’s fault , it’s the people who work for them!!

No bloody wonder most of the staff there smoke and no wonder it is full of people desperate (like moi!!) for work or  fresh from overseas and need the job to get a visa else wouldn’t consider working there in their right minds!!

Hmm and I wonder why the turn over of staff is so high???Don’t need to be a brain surgeon to work that one out!! GRRRRRRRRRR

Am I looking for another job!! HELL YES!!

AND don’t even get me started on the clients………………We are talking ones where you want to ram your head into the wall constantly and REALLY REALLY need to bite your toungue not to say “Are you serious?”….

Stay strong and stay smoke free!!

Time for a Weight Rant:

You have been warned so don’t read any more if you are not up to mad cat woman rants today.

I am going to try to do a rant on something daily, so like the smoking news I do but a light-hearted note as we really need that to stop smoking, lose weight and sometimes just to get through the bloody day. Most of it will be tongue in cheek, me poking fun at myself but sometimes pondering why some people are allowed to walk the streets, YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!

The weight rant has emerged today because I decided in my wisdom that I would bake my apricot and raisin brioche along with plain brioche. I know you are thinking “SO”!!

The problem is and yes, why am i walking the streets?  (well today anyhow) was i joined this 12 week body challenge to give my fitness and increased smoking urges a good boot up the jacksey!! Today I started the challenge but i had to do my bread today as it was ready to go.  Labour intensive so couldn’t waste it…………..So i get up early to let it prove, then i go back to sleep and it slightly over proves. Not a biggie but still…………So the bread is baked and I am ADDICTED to bread, not white crap, only stuff made with love, so maybe a gorgeous ciabatta white loaf but you know the white crap I mean.

Could you say NO to this?

I am not supposed to be eating Brioche on this plan…………No normal person could say no to this brioche so I have some. I am REALLY good and allow for it in this programme, meaning that as brioche is about a zillion calories, I can now eat 1 kiwifruit for the rest of my day. Not that bad but almost!!

This bloody bread is sitting on the bench taunting me!! But i created the whole situation by making the bread. Silly, silly, silly.

Anyhow day one is almost done on this program. I did my exercise, which is ok as I run anyhow but the sprints WERE not fun. I don’t sprint, i endure people, I run long time baby. Can I sprint, no!! You do 30 seconds(feels like 30 minutes) sprinting, 30 seconds collapsing, i mean walking.

Feel your pain mate!!

My cats thought this was hilarious, me running hell for leather down the stretch of road and then falling over on the road. Only to come back and do it again!! They sat on the fence thinking  ” And humans wonder why we are the masters?” Only because I feed them will they not ignore me in embarrassment but I am sure they told the neighbour cats, that I was NOT their mum………..

And joy oh joy, it is almost time to go to my arsey temp job (WHICH REALLY REALLY REALLY MAKES ME WANT TO SMOKE, EAT COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF CHOCOLATE, DRINK ABSINTHE AND SHOOT PEOPLE) at which I really do think that George Bush has a lot of bastard children living in NZ and Australia. More on the job delights another day…………..

Argh!! Why are all the good things bad for us?

So Stay Smoke free and be Strong!!

And may the Bread gods be with you!!

Get behind thee, Devil sticks!!


Today’s post is not advice, it is a RANT!! But hopefully there is something in here that you can take from it and I will too hopefully!!I tell you this not so you will think “she is a Nutter” or “Great, that really makes me want to stop”.

Nope, that is not the intent at all. It more to make you realise just how a powerful addiction smoking is and how we need to treat it as an addiction, not as anything else.

Today I had a crap, shit day. VERY bad. In fact being honest, it has been a very BAD 3 months. Basically I quit my job as it was just unbearable and having 3 kids etc and being responsible, you can imagine how bad it was for me to get to that stage. It is at Employment tribunal stage but will still take maybe 6 months.  It is just impossible to get something else and it takes a toll financially and that affects everything else. So now I have no job, no money, I think my husband has had enough of me and to top it all off, I BLOODY WANT TO SMOKE!!

It is like give me a break here!! I don’t drink or have caffeine as it makes me want to smoke, so rather than make it worse I have them up to with the fags, so I have no crutches at all. Today seriously, i really really had to apply the 10 second rule, well it felt like ten minutes. It was almost on my knees time with this bloody craving.

However, the one good thing that it did remind me of was just how strong an addiction smoking is and how we really need to treat it as such. Stress triggers long remembered habits!!  People who were drug addicts or alcoholics say that they have to work on being clean every day and it is like that with smoking. You still have to make that choice not to smoke when sometimes, being brutally honest, it would be easier (not better) to smoke.

Don’t think I am trying to depress you. You don’t crave all day, you don’t but sometimes when things are crap, as i have shown, the cravings are just as intense BUT the difference is I have better tools to deal with the cravings and it reminds me not to take my non smoking for granted!!

Things to think about…..

Have a good one.

Stay strong and smoke free.